Day 1

There's something about waking up every morning to "Day 1", day after day, week after week, that can make me feel like I'm in that movie Groundhog Day. My first "Day 1" with the purple bracelet went well. It was a little surprising to realize how much I complain and grumble in my head while I'm at work. Did I complain out loud? I certainly did! And I switched the bracelet to my other wrist with a small chuckle and an "oopsy-daisey!" This only happened 3 or 4 times, and, considering how full of negativity my mind seemed to be, I was proud of myself for only voicing my thoughts a few times. I also noticed that about 90% of coworker-to-coworker interaction seems to be gossip or complaints. The hardest part for me was feeling like I couldn't join in the conversation anymore without having to switch my bracelet! How sad is that?
The real surprise came after work, though, when I was with a friend whom I've always considered to be a positive influence on me. After just a few minutes in the car with her I ended up switching the bracelet back and forth more times than I had the entire day at work! And this wasn't because she initiated the negative conversation, either. Looking back, I think the majority of my complaints to her were about myself- putting myself down to be funny. I do that a lot. Comedians do that a lot! Why? I think it's because when a comedian makes fun of his own stupidity, it's a safe joke because he's not offending someone else by calling THEM stupid. I think that's why I never saw the harm in putting myself down for the sake of a joke before- because I wasn't hurting anyone else's feelings. But are they really "safe" jokes?
I think of the low opinion I have of myself most of the time. I tell myself that by laughing about my flaws, it makes them not bother me anymore. And there may be some truth to that, but not in a good way. With this new perspective of words spoken creating reality, I realize that by putting myself down so much, and constantly bringing up my flaws, I'm probably actually making them worse and just shrugging it off. Does it make me happy? No. Does it make other people happy? I know I'd like to think so when the jokes come out of my mouth, but thinking on it now... it really bothers me when people I love put themselves down, even in jest. My friends and family probably feel the same way about me. So that's an area I've been working on quite bit, and I actually have started to feel better about myself, and more motivated to do and become something great- just by not saying the negative things that come to my head about myself! It's crazy how that works, isn't it?
Dr. Bowen, in his Complaint Free World book, says there are four stages a person goes through in their process to become complaint-free. They are 1) Unconscious Incompetence- when you don't realize how much you complain, 2) Conscious Incompetence- when you realize how much you complain, 3) Conscious Competence- when you realize that you are not complaining, and 4) Unconscious Competence- when you don't complain anymore and don't even think about it.
By my second "Day 1", I felt like I had entered stage 2, Conscious Incompetence. At work I struggled to find ways to converse without gossiping, complaining, or criticizing. I found that it was hard for me not to complain with someone else who was because I wanted to relate with them and validate their feelings- make them feel understood. Over the next few days, I struggled with that a lot. How could I refuse to take part in negative conversation without making my coworkers feel judged or misunderstood or uncomfortable? These feelings of mine were painfully validated in the Dr. Bowen's book when he says:
"People tend to run along a continuum in degrees of rarely complaining to constantly complaining. If a person within a group falls too far out of the norm for the group, in time that person will find that he or she is no longer welcome. Again, to look at complaining as a drug, many of us have been in situations where others were drinking excessively, smoking, or doing drugs. If someone didn't go along with the group, the individuals in the group felt threatened. My personal theory regarding this phenomenon is that the individuals practicing the destructive behaviors know they are not making healthy choices and feel this magnified in comparison to the person who is not imbibing. When we're around others who complain more or less than us, it feels uncomfortable. Our vibration levels are different and people of different energy repel each other." Page 54-55 And then on page 57: "Misery not only loves company, it derives validation from it."
I hated feeling like the outsider at work. I've always gotten along so well with my coworkers. I didn't want that to change. So, I'm ashamed to say... I removed that bracelet. Dun, dun, dun! My thinking was that if doing the 21-day challenge meant opening my eyes to, not only MY complaints, but to all of the complaining around me, thus leading me to feel like I needed to choose different company, I didn't want anything to do with it. How un-Christlike that seemed! The Savior never left his friends because they weren't perfect, so why should I?
I suffered several days in this torment. I wondered what was right. I wondered if it was really possible to try to be like the Savior without making everyone else around me feel like I was judging them. During this time, I felt anything BUT sunny and positive!
.... And then one day it just clicked. I was making a much bigger deal of this whole thing than I needed to! None of my coworkers had ever said I was making them feel judged- I'd just assumed it. It was all in my head. And all of that nonsense about "not fitting in anymore" was also ridiculous because I already AM different from most of the people that I work with! I always have been different and I've always loved feeling that difference. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't have a cup of coffee in the morning. I pray over my food at lunch every day. I don't work on Sundays. I am an odd-ball. I love being an odd-ball! I've never judged my coworkers for not being like me before- why would I now? The way I live is already so different from the way they live, why was I making such a big deal about making the way I talk different, too?
After that, the clouds broke and the sun shone through again and everything made sense. Of course I could improve myself without putting others down! I can still love and admire all of the people around me for being the wonderful people that they are, just as I always have! It was after this realization came to me, and I took up the purple bracelet challenge again, that I read Dr. Bowen's method of non-judgmental escape from negative conversation:
"When you are with others and the conversation begins to devolve into negativity, just sit back and observe it. Don't try and change others. If anyone asks why you're not complaining, just show them your purple bracelet and tell them you are "in training" to be a complaint free person," Page 68
This post is getting very long, so I'm just going to conclude with 2 thoughts that I've been focusing on and that keep me going:
1) "Our thoughts create our world and our words create out thoughts."
2) "When you complain, you are actually repelling what you profess to want." Page 56
Actually, I'm going to share the whole quote for that last one, because it's so eye-opening:
"In Illusions, Richard Bach wrote a simple and profound truth: 'Like attracts like.' People who are alike, be they complainers or grateful people, attract one another. And people who are not alike repel one another. We are all energy beings, and energy that doest not vibrate at the same frequency does not harmonize.
"Thoughts, too, are energy. And you attract things that harmonize with your thought patterns and repel things that do not. Your words indicate, reinforce, and perpetuate your thoughts. So when you complain, you are actually repelling what you profess to want. Your complaining pushes away from you things that you say you'd like to have. I know of a group of women who get together each week to 'support one another.' This 'support' consists primarily of complaining about men. From what I understand, their favorite themes are 'men are selfish,' 'men don't want to commit,' and 'you can't trust men.' Not surprisingly, none of these women is able to sustain a happy, healthy relationship with a man. Do they want such a relationship? Sure, but through their complaints they are sending out energy vibrations that 'men are no good,' causing no 'good men' to appear in their lives. They are creating this reality with their complaints."