LIVE, Because You Can

I'm pretty much convinced that I live in the best area BYU has to offer, with some of the coolest people on this green earth. I'm not looking forward to Genevieve and Alex moving out this week. It's been such a fun term! Thank goodness I'll still have Nataly and Chelsea, along with all of my incredible neighbors!
It's been hard, being away from my family so soon after losing Risa, but I think it's been good for me. Admittedly, I have my days (well, it's usually nights) when I find myself wondering why I'm here, but I can't deny that this is where the Lord wants me to be, and I've been so blessed since my arrival. I've had the opportunity to meet some pretty amazing people, and I can feel my horizons expanding, my experiences growing, and my understanding of myself and other people stretching. Though I can't say that everything makes sense to me right now, I can say that I feel good about it and I'm ok with being patient. ...Most of the time.
I have my last Final for Spring term tomorrow morning, bright and early, so I really should be studying for that right now. Isn't it amazing how productive you can be when you're avoiding doing what you know you really should be doing? I finally cleaned my room yesterday, re-caulked my shower, put up the rest of the pictures my mother so kindly mailed to me, cleaned out my shelf of the pantry, posted to my blog, and saved all of the package peanuts from the massive box the pictures were mailed in by stuffing them into a huge black garbage bag, and now I'm posting to my blog again! Yay for me! ...But actually, bad for me, because I haven't even cracked open my D&C manual yet. Gargh. It's such a gorgeous day outside, and the pool is calling my name (which is crazy, considering I don't really care for swimming that much, and I'm kind of allergic to chlorine).
Alright, enough of this nonsense! I'm going to study now! For real. This is it. A beautiful day can only be made more beautiful by immersing myself in the Doctrine and Covenants, right? Right! So... here I go! Wish me luck!

Risa

I don't expect that very many people remember exactly what they were doing on March 31, 2011, about two and a half months ago, but I don't think I'll ever forget what I did that day. I woke up at around 5:00 am in my little sister Risa's room to find that my mom and oldest sister, Rachel, were kneeling at either side of Risa's bed, watching her breathe. It was exactly what we'd all been doing for the past two weeks, but this time something was different. Risa's breathing had changed. Again. I remember sitting up and feeling my heart constrict when I saw Rachel's hand resting on Risa's chest, feeling for her heart beat. "It's getting weaker," she informed me in a solemn whisper. It was the beginning of a very long day.

Risa was diagnosed with a rare form of pediatric ovarian cancer back in April of 2010, and that diagnosis changed all of our lives forever. It was a long year spent searching for a cure and watching helplessly as the cancer spread through her lungs, liver, and lymphatic system, and after we almost lost her in November, a family friend urged us to try an herb that had completely cured her friend of his cancer, along with several other people. I have to admit that from December through March, I thought that she was really getting better. I'd received a confirmation from the Lord that I should attend BYU in the Spring and Summer, and I, mere mortal that I am, took this confirmation as a sign that Risa would live. But the Lord had other plans in mind for me, my family, and my precious baby sister.

It was Friday, March 18th that I really consider the beginning of the end. I remember that I was excited to get home from work that day so I could be with Risa. She'd been my best friend for the past several years, but in recent months, I'd felt very distant from her. I couldn't relate to her struggles, and I'd felt bitter that every time I'd tried to help her she'd pushed me away and called for mom. But then she found that she didn't like to sleep alone, and I had gladly volunteered to sleep in her room with her, even if it meant waking up every few hours to help her in the night and being tired at work the next morning. I am so grateful for those few nights we spent together that week. We were able to reconnect with each other. As we giggled together, I told her I'd been praying for a way to be close to her again and she said, "So have I!" It was a beautiful moment, and every day that week I couldn't wait to get home, just to sit on the couch with her while she watched "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Cake Boss", her new favorite shows since she'd finished all the episodes of "Monk". On that Friday the 18th, I watched several episodes of "Cake Boss" with her and tried to encourage her to eat. She was so skinny. Everything seemed to make her nauseous, except for chocolate milk and an occasional healthy smoothy made by mom. I remember that a popup on the TV informed us that the movie Megamind was available OnDemand and I told Risa that I really wanted to watch it with her, because it was hilarious and she hadn't seen it yet. We couldn't figure out how to watch it OnDemand (we're cool like that), so I said no worries, I wanted to buy it anyway. So I went out and bought it while Risa took a bath. When we sat down to watch the movie, Risa was confused. She kept asking the same questions over and over again, and found the presence of apple slices on a plate on the couch very disturbing. Finally she became so frustrated with her own confusion that she decided to go to bed. I was disappointed, but I wished her a good night, we exchanged "I love you"s, and I went to a party that my friend had invited me to. I ended up spending the night over there, and when I got home in the morning, Risa and my mom were both gone. I knew then that something was wrong. We were done with hospitals at that point, so why would they be gone so early in the day? I tried to push the warning feelings away. Maybe they were meeting with the naturopath.... I tried to focus on preparing for the talk I would give in sacrament meeting and the lesson I would teach in Relief Society the next day... but I couldn't stop worrying about Risa. I knew that there was a connection between her strange behavior that night before and her absence this morning. In the evening, I finally received a phone call from my dad telling me that I should go to the hospital. That's when I really knew that Risa was dying.

My brother and his wife and my grandparents all flew in the next day. For the next two weeks, we waited. For the last week of Risa's life, my mom, sisters and I watched her in shifts throughout the nights, listening as her breathing patterns changed.

The day of March 31, a Thursday, was a quiet one. Though I had expected every day for the past two weeks to be Risa's last, this one had a distinctly different feel to it. I was sitting at the foot of her bed with my hand on her shin when it happened. My family was all gathered around the bed. Rachel still had her hand on Risa's heart, feeling every precious, fragile heartbeat. My mother was holding Risa's hand and my dad was kneeling beside her. Reana was sitting at my feet, holding my hand. Rebecca and Blair sat on the bench against the wall. Dad had put on some spiritual music. Right as the song "God be With You Till We Meet Again" ended, at about 3:36 pm, Risa scrunched her face as if concentrating for a brief moment, and then her spirit left her body.

Rachel had been organizing a benefit marathon, called Running for Risa, to help raise money to pay off all of her hospital bills, and we decided that the marathon should commence. It happened on April 23, and that evening we had Risa's funeral. She was buried in a National Cemetery (thanks to my dad's military service) that didn't do burials on Saturdays, so her graveside service was held on the morning of Monday, April 25th and I left that afternoon for Utah. I started my first day of college at BYU the next morning.

Here is a Eulogy I wrote for Risa in my Public Speeking class this week:

With angelic brown eyes, thick hair the color of rich chocolate, and lips that curl upwards pleasantly at either end whether she's smiling or not, sixteen-year-old Risa Melody Whitaker lays on the floor beside her six-year-old autistic friend, David. She is smiling. The two of them take turns quoting the movie Finding Nemo, sound effects and all, as Risa encourages David to look in her eyes and rewards him with an enthusiastic shower of praise when he does. They have been at this game for two hours now, but Risa doesn't appear to be tired, and when David jumps up to climb the playset, she follows him without hesitation and the two of them continue their movie quotations as they pracariously balance on the plastic structure. This is only a tiny picture of how Risa spent up to 6 volunteered hours every week.

Dear Risa, my beloved little sister and best friend. Those who met her described her as joyful, lovely and virtuous.

Joyful--

Mom still remembers the first time it occurred to her that Risa was funny. She was four years old when she walked into the kitchen and asked: "Mom, what are we having for dinner?"

"Dog food," came the teasing reply.

Risa's shoulders dropped and she sighed, "Again?"

Risa was a devout optimist. She saw the good in everythin

g and everyone. After her cancer diagnosis, she wrote this entry in her journal: "I knew bad news was coming, but I didn't feel nervous. I felt very calm and ready. ... The Lord gave me instant strength and I felt assured that everything would be ok. I hugged my mom and then my dad. Really what hurt me the most was seeing my parents so worried and pained by the whole thing. Things are going to be different from now on, but the Lord is with me."

She never allowed anyone to feel down about her condition and kept laughter alive everywhere she went. One day she related to me her concern that she was shocking people with her cancer jokes, and she said: "But then I realized, it's my cancer, I can laugh if I want to!"

Her motto was this: "Don't merely get by because you have to-- live, because you can."

Lovely--

Asside from being physically beautiful (she had the longest eyelashes I've ever seen), Risa was gorgeous on the inside as well. One of her friends said that "Risa IS beauty."

She loved all things virtuous, lovely, and praiseworthy-- especially music and nature. She wrote in her journal: " Today we went to a John Shmidt concert. It was so touching... and funny. Music is amazing! I love it so much! It seems to reach small corners of your heart that words could never reach. The Spirit speaks through music!" And later, after a choir recital, she said, "One of the fastest and best ways to feel the Spirit is to sing praises to the Lord! So, Buddy the Elf pretty much got it right when he said, 'The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.' It feels so good to belt it out!"

Virtuous--

When Risa was six years old, I was certain that she would grow up to be one of America's Most Wanted. To this day I carry scars on my arms as a testimony to her childhood rage issues. But through several years of fighting the beast within, she was able to overcome that obsticle. This was a pattern that continued for the rest of her life: inner struggles that she overcame with seeming ease, until there was not an unkind, or unhappy, bon

e in her body. Risa knew what was right, and was determined to be her best self. It's hard to find a page in her journal that does not contain some element of her testimony. She wrote, " I love my Savior with everything I am. I cannot go against what is real. To deny God's existance is to deny that I live. I know it and it's the truest reality I know. The best way I've heard it said is in the song 'I Testify': For God has written Jesus' na

me with pen of flame upon my soul, and how can I but testify of Jesus Christ, my Lord.' When I die, one thing I hope will be remem

bered about me is that I have an unwavering testimony of my Lord and Savior and I know for a fact that They live and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church of God, restored by His servant the prophet Joseph Smith and continued today by a true and living prophet, Thomas S. Monson! I love the gospel!"

Risa taught the gospel of Jesus Christ in the way she lived, and now she is happy to serve Him on the other side of the veil.