Make me an Instrument

Twenty years old, living far from home, working part time to scrape up enough dough to pay the rent and feed my bottomless pit of a belly, and entangled in the college world as I am, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. Where will I go? What will I do? What should I be doing now to prepare for it? Should I continue to flail around helplessly in the treacherous waters of the dating pool, or should I brave the vast mission field? Should I go the medical rout and make bank as a nurse? Should I go into business so I can pursue my dream of opening an adorable pie shop? Should I study teaching so I can have some effect on the rising generation? Or should I be an English Major and, after many years of editing for other writers, some day publish a work of my own? And on top of all of these questions, I'm reminded again and again that I haven't yet evaded the question that preceded them all: where should I go to school?

I was attending BYU as a Visiting Student for the past two terms, but now my time is up and I have to apply to be a Full-time Student. If I am accepted, hurrah! But if not... I'll have to find myself another school. I've been accepted at UVU (Utah Valley University), which isn't far from where I'm living, but I'd have to pay out-of-state tuition there, and I really can't afford it. I suppose I could just continue living and working here until next April, when I'll gain residency and won't have to pay out-of-state, and then I could start at UVU. But if I were to do that, I worry that I'd be wasting a lot of time. You see the dilemma. Boo hoo, poor me, I'm going through what everyone goes through at some time or another.

A good friend of mine played his cello for me and my roommates last night. The instrument had been sitting in my closet for the past two days, silent and still, while he'd been out of town, but it came to life when he held it. As I watched the way Joseph's fingers moved with seeming ease over the strings of the cello, and the way he guided the bow with majestic precision, creating the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard, the phrase "an instrument in God's hands" came to my mind and lingered. I marveled at what could come out of that cello when it was in the able hands of its master. He knew his cello. He knew what it was capable of, and how to bring out the best it could produce. Without him, it could never have filled my home with such melodious strains, but with him-! My goodness, what a magnificent creation it was!

I thought of myself as an instrument in the hands of my Master. Of myself, I can do little more than a cello sitting in a closet, but if I place my will into the Hands of the Perfect Musician, He can use me as an instrument to accomplish amazing things. He knows me. He knows what I am capable of better than I myself do, and He knows what strings to touch, how to hold me, and how to guide me so that I can accomplish what He wants me to accomplish.

After this beautiful experience, I was led, during my scripture study, to this quote by Elder Henry B. Eyring:

"The real life we're preparing for is eternal life. Secular knowledge has for us eternal significance. Our conviction is that God, our Heavenly Father, wants us to live the life that He does. We learn both the spiritual things and the secular things so that we may one day create worlds and people and govern them. All we can learn that is true while we are in this life will rise with us in the Resurrection. And all that we can learn will enhance our capacity to serve. That is a destiny reserved not alone for the brilliant, those who learn the most quickly, or those who enter the most respected professions. It will be given to those who are humbly good, who love God, and who serve Him with all their capacities, however limited those capacities are-- as are all our capacities, compared with the capacities of God."

Maybe it doesn't matter so much exactly what I do, as much as how I do it. A nurse, a pie-maker, a teacher, a writer... in any one of them, I can accomplish amazing things and be an influence for good in the world as long as I keep my heart in the right place, and allow my Master to do His work through me. No matter where I am in life, He can use me. So whether I start up school at BYU in the Winter, or work until April to attend UVU, or go to another school entirely, or serve a mission... as long as I am anxiously engaged in good causes, immersing myself in good books, practicing what skills I do have and working at gaining new ones, serving those around me, magnifying my calling, and diligently applying/preparing for school, it won't be a waste of time. I already have a stack of books in my room that I'm going to read, starting with the autobiography of Helen Keller. I'm going to pick up writing again. I'm not going to waste this time I have. I'm going to let myself be an instrument in the Lord's hands to accomplish whatever it is that He wants me to accomplish while I'm here-- because I know that I am where I need to be, even if I don't know exactly why.

I'm reminded of a song I sang in Encore choir a few years ago:

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me bring love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy."

I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do, but the moral of the story is... it's ok. For now, at least. I'll do all I can, and not just wait around for things to happen. I'm learning to be grateful for this time in my life that I'm learning patience and diligence and humility and what it takes to make things happen. Whatever happens, or doesn't happen in the winter, I won't be enrolled in school during the Fall, and this will be a great opportunity for me to learn how to be an instrument in the Lord's hands.